Today was such a beautiful day… our forecasts said rain, but it was nothing but clear clear clear blue skies and warm sun in Hollywood today… and yet I don’t think I smiled once. Maybe, maybe a few times. I am just so sad and hollow.
and everyone keeps telling me, “Shes a cold hearted bitch.”, “You meant nothing to Christy”, “Her personality is to use people for her purposes and then when shes done drop them and go on to the next thing.”. And I cry… I cry because I don’t know what to believe…
and then today the evil came out God. The evil came out and I embraced it God… and I hurt so bad I let the evil come in… and even Kate said, “YOU CANT PUT THOSE PICS ONLINE.” “ITS AGAINST EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR.” “ITS AGAINST YOUR MORALS, ITS NOT WHAT JESUS WOULD WANT.”. Even Josh said… “Brother what we do echos in eternity…”
Me: “Yeah and what does it say about her and her fucking perfect life, perfectly happy.”
Josh: “I don’t know Mehdi, I don’t know, because I ask myself the same question every day about nicolette. Every day I ask myself” how can she have moved on already? why doesnt she care? and the truth is mehdi, I don’t know. I can’t tell you why. Id love to turn her world upside down and burn it. Id die to do that but what would it bring?”
Josh: “I wish I knew what to do man. I wish I could set it right for you. I would do whatever it takes to do so, you know I would. I don’t understand man. We make ourselves out to be the perfect guys. All women want. Always there, never angry. I wish I knew what could set it right mehdi. I will do whatever I can to help, once I figure out how to. I will do whatever I can man.”
and I just see a picture of you and I melt, hence why they are all locked away from me. Because I just am not stopping loving you. I HATE IT SO MUCH, I WANT TO HATE YOU BUT I CANT.
and God, I am so sorry… I almost did something unforgivable. I came so close… and I let the hate and anger envelop me. I wanted so much to just bathe in the evil and stop caring about being a good person. I wanted so much to just say “FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.” and post those things on the internet for everyone to see… and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just couldn’t even though I know somewhere deep down that there really isn’t any hope. That I have nothing she wants. I am nothing she wants. That she doesn’t love me. That I’m not lovable. That I’m just not a good enough person.
I hate how for the first time in my life I see the truth in these songs.
I’m exhausted.
and God I’m so sorry… I sinned. I did exactly as I said I wouldn’t, and I was led into temptation from all the pain. Its like when I get so depressed parts of me get so excited, like my body just aches to feel good.
What I see every moment I look at my phone
So I’m so sorry Jesus. I’m so sorry for letting you down…
I pray tomorrow will be better than today.
I pray that you still love me, youre the only one I have left.
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